Imagine it: You are having a bite of your favorite mouthwatering dessert. Mine is a rich dark chocolate cookie cake, but maybe yours is something else. Whatever it is, imagine it fully: How it tastes, the texture, what it does to your taste buds, mood, and emotions. You love it, right?
So what you are experiencing in that moment as you savour it: is it pleasure, happiness, or joy?
Despite how trivial the example is, knowing how to distinguish between these three feelings will make the difference between a life filled with regrets and one that leaves you truly satisfied in the end.
Yes, how you relate to that simple dessert says everything about the kind of life you are living. Caught your interest? Keep reading.
Sometimes, the words pleasure, happiness, and joy are used interchangeably. We may think they all mean the same thing — a feeling of contentment or delight. But on closer examination, there are distinct differences between these three feelings, how we experience them, and from where they originate. Knowing the difference will change how well you understand yourself and how you spend your time. It will allow you to truly know what makes you feel good.
Let's start with the lowest-hanging fruit: pleasure.
What Is Pleasure?
At its core, pleasure is about satisfying our needs and desires. It’s about doing something that feels good in the moment. Pleasure is often fleeting; it can come from external sources like food or activities like shopping or playing video games, to name a few.
Pleasure is something that we crave, as it offers an immediate sense of gratification that can be found in the small moments and experiences of everyday life. It’s the feeling of satisfaction you get when you:
Take a bite of your favorite food (including that delicious dessert you just imagined)
Get a massage after a long day
Experience the taste explosion of a gourmet meal
Sink into the hot water of a bubble bath
Experience sensual touch
Spend money on material things you attach some meaning to (from small things like jewelry and flowers to huge things like cars, houses, and vacations)
The key defining feature of pleasure is that it is a physical sensation and it is fleeting; it doesn’t last forever, and often its duration is actually quite short, leaving us craving for more soon again.
Pleasure is dependent on external factors and is not a sustainable source of long-term emotional fulfillment. By its nature, it is over the moment it is over. As a result, the pursuit of pleasure alone can lead to an imbalanced and unfulfilling emotional life as we try to consume more and more of its "kick" but are always left feeling empty shortly thereafter.
When we stop being aware of how and why we pursue pleasures, they can become a field onto which we project deficiencies in other parts of our lives:
We are stressed, so we eat too much food.
We are angry, so we go out drinking.
We are lonely, so we consume online dating.
We are insecure, so we spend a lot of money on items that boost our confidence.
While pleasures in of themselves aren't bad or good, the constant pursuit of pleasures, in which we project onto them something else that is currently missing in our lives, is a recipe for addiction formation.
Understanding how pleasures fit into our lives is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with them. And recognizing that pleasure is a temporary sensation can help us appreciate its presence without becoming overly reliant on it.
Perhaps you are starting to get a sense of the positive and shadow sides of pleasure and why you need to know what makes you feel good. But before we unpack that some more, let's first understand how pleasure relates to happiness.
What Is Happiness?
We've all heard people either agree or disagree with the saying that "Money can buy you happiness." Well, with our understanding above of pleasure, perhaps a less controversial statement would be, "Money can buy you pleasure," which it certainly can. But can lots of pleasure lead to happiness, and if so, can money buy that too?
Happiness is an emotion that, while also often externally provoked, tends to last longer than pleasure. It is typically dependent on something else than just satisfying desire, such as achieving a goal, receiving recognition, or experiencing positive life events. We feel it when experiencing the positive outcomes of our efforts. It can also be in response to experiencing pleasure but rather as a thought about having had or experienced the pleasure.
For example, we may have felt pleasure when diving into the cold water of a lake on a hot day and derive happiness when thinking about and remembering that experience afterward.
Happiness is less about material acquisition and more about experiences or our thoughts on those experiences.
Happiness is a reaction to favorable circumstances and can be influenced by factors such as our relationships, personal achievements, and overall life satisfaction.
Examples of situations that may bring happiness include:
Having a home garden and growing your own food
Having a great conversation with a dear friend
Watching someone else's face gets lit up with excitement
Completing a physically challenging feat
Collaborating with a team to achieve a common goal
These events can create a sense of accomplishment and contentment, contributing to our overall happiness. Whereas pleasure tends to stimulate desire, happiness activates our values.
When we see and experience things in the world that align with our own view of what is good, we often feel happiness. Happiness, like pleasure, is also often linked to external factors and may not provide a constant source of emotional well-being. It comes and goes, just like any other emotion.
The role of happiness in our lives is significant, as it can contribute to a sense of pride and purpose. At the same time, by realizing that happiness is temporary, we can better manage our expectations around when we feel it and what to change when it fades (i.e., surround yourself with more people and activities that align with your inner values; more about this later).
So does that mean money can buy happiness? Well, if money can buy pleasure, and those pleasures align with your values, then indirectly perhaps money can. The issue is when people’s pursuit of pleasures do not actually align with their values. Short-term cravings are satisfied, but we are left still feeling empty and unsatisfied after they are over. So when money is spent on things that align with our values, it stands a chance at increasing happiness, otherwise, it most probably won’t.
But, What Is Joy?
Joy stands apart from pleasure and happiness as it originates from a different source. According to Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart, "Joy is sudden, unexpected, short-lasting and high-intensity. Joy expands our thinking and attention, and it fills us with a sense of freedom and abandon." (Brown, 2021)
There is something innately spiritual, internal, and breathtaking about joy. Its origins lie in something that may remind us of universal values like beauty, truth, love, and connection.
When in the presence of such experiences, we often feel joy.
When we experience a moment of our highest, most complete sense of self, we feel joy.
When we meet someone else who feels deeply rooted in their own positive spiritedness, we call them joyful.
The connection to joy is found through our relationships, perspectives, and experiences and often transcends feelings of pleasure and happiness in its intensity and depth.
Examples of circumstances that bring joy may include:
Appreciating the beauty and belonging that exist within a close-knit community
Witnessing the caretaking and love between two individuals
Stopping your car to take in a gorgeous sunset with all its colours in the sky
Feeling the beauty of life when the warmth of the sun caresses the softness of your skin
Being moved by the passion and determination of someone else to do good in the world
These experiences often create a profound sense of connection and meaning that contributes to a unique sense of joy. Unlike pleasure and happiness, if we understand how to look for and identify sources of joy, it can become a more consistent source of emotional well-being.
For that, though, you need to know what makes you feel good.
Here's a quick reference table outlining the key differences between pleasure, happiness, and joy, including examples of each feeling:
The Consequences of Misunderstanding and Misidentifying Our Feelings
Understanding the distinctions between pleasure, happiness, and joy is essential for understanding our emotional landscape. Remember, these three words are distinct experiences with different origins and impacts on us. Failing to recognize the differences between them can lead to disappointment and depression, as well as unhealthy behaviors like self-medication or addiction.
For example, when we confuse pleasure with happiness, we may turn to substances or activities that provide pleasure instead of seeking authentic happiness in our lives. This type of deviation can lead to projection and, eventually, addiction.
Projection
Projection occurs when we make our feelings or emotions dependent on others or other things rather than acknowledging the underlying needs we have. This can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships as we blame external factors for our lack of emotional fulfillment instead of examining our internal state.
For example, let’s say that you have reasons to be unhappy in your life (caused by work or relationship issues, for example). As an antidote to your unhappiness you use pleasure-producing activities like sports or gambling to give yourself a hit of dopamine and are left feeling good in the moment you do them. With time, however you become convinced that, as long as you have those activities, you can be happy. Through this thinking, you are projecting your need for happiness onto activities that induce pleasure only. As soon as the pleasure is over you return to get another hit, so, more sports, more gambling. You keep thinking that each time it's giving you happiness but in fact you don’t feel any happier afterwards; it’s always short-lived. And so you return for more, and find yourself in a vicious cycle of obsessive working out or gambling, and disappointment that leads to returning for more. All the while, the other areas of your life that are actually causing you unhappiness continue to be a problem and drive you to further engage with this vicious cycle. That’s how projection works.
By understanding when we are outsourcing our wish for happiness to activities that bring us short-term pleasure, we can become aware of what we really lack and want. That awareness can help us look for how we can satisfy the underlying need in more sustainable ways.
If we don’t, however, then the activities we project our happiness onto can become addictions.
Addictions
Addiction arises when we rely excessively on short-term pleasures to fill an emotional void. We become dependent on the short-term fix they give us and feel we can no longer be happy without them.
For instance, we might turn to excessive shopping, binge eating, or substance abuse as a means to experience pleasure and avoid dealing with the root causes of our unhappiness. When we do this for long enough, we become addicted to the feelings those experiences give us.
Recognizing the transient nature of pleasure and the external factors influencing happiness helps us break free from addictive patterns and seek more sustainable sources of emotional fulfillment. Of course, for that, you first need to know what makes you feel good — both in terms of pleasure and authentic happiness. One you do, you can then notice and detangle pleasure-providing activities with true sources of happiness.
Unraveling this misunderstanding takes intentional effort — it requires us to slow down and tune into how we're really feeling at any given moment so that we can understand what brings us true fulfilment. Read on to find out how you can do this.
Strategies for Pursuing Experiences and Emotions in a Healthy Way
A. Recognize and appreciate pleasure, happiness, and joy for what they are
Cultivating a practice of gratitude is a powerful way to develop a healthy relationship with pleasure, happiness, and joy. This involves being present and attentive to our emotional experiences and acknowledging and savouring them without judgment.
By recognizing and appreciating the sensations of pleasure, happiness, and joy for what they are, we can derive genuine satisfaction from each without falling into the trap of constantly seeking more or confusing one for another.
So start noticing for yourself what each of these 3 feel like for you: the physical sensations in your body as well as the impact they have on your mind and mood when you experience pleasure, happiness and joy.
Doing so allows you to be more present to each as it’s happening. When you are more present to them, you can add in being grateful for each of these sensations as they occur. Gratitude for these sensations not only allows us to experience them more fully in the moment. It also helps us recognize their presence more often. Practicing gratitude increases our ability to notice moments in which the possibility for pleasure, happiness and/or joy exist.
This increased awareness and gratitude creates a powerful upward cycle. For example, we experience joy, are then grateful for the experience, and in turn experience more joy as a result of our appreciation for this moment. And unlike the pursuit of pleasure, when it comes to joy, the more, the better. More frequent experiences of joy are linked to increased well-being, life satisfaction, and fulfillment.
B. Establish emotional boundaries
Another crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy emotional life is establishing emotional boundaries. This includes practicing self-care and prioritizing emotional well-being by setting limits. Doing so prevents emotional burnout and overindulgence. This means learning when to say "no" to protect our emotional health and well-being.
Often the boundaries we need to set are not only with others but sometimes also with ourselves. Realizing when our pursuit of pleasure is crossing the line into an unhealthy habit is an opportunity to put up a boundary between how and when we engage with that activity and dig into why we crave it in the first place. Remember, pleasures in of themselves are not a problem. It is only when we abuse or use them as a projection field that it then becomes an issue.
C. Align your pursuits with your values and true desires
In order to experience genuine joy and fulfillment, it's crucial to align our pursuits with our values and deepest needs. Reflect on what truly brings you happiness, joy, and fulfillment, and pursue activities and relationships that match your core values and aspirations.
This alignment allows us to cultivate a deep, enduring sense of emotional satisfaction that goes beyond fleeting pleasures or transient highs. Remember, pleasure is more physical and short-lived, happiness more linked to our values, and joy more linked to an awe-like moment of real satisfaction and connection to the life around us. With that in mind, know what makes you feel good and then align your actions accordingly. Take the time to identify for yourself which activates activate your most important personal values, and then fill your days and weeks with plenty of those, instead of compromising with too many pleasure-seeking ones.
Final Thoughts
Pleasure, happiness, and joy are three distinct experiences that have powerful impacts on our lives. As we strive to experience each of these in our day-to-day lives, it is important to recognize the differences between them and know what makes you feel good.
Too often, we mistake pleasure for happiness or joy and fail to appreciate the unique qualities of each. Ironically, this misunderstanding causes us to miss out on the full range of human experiences available to us, as a wonderful part of life is being able to enjoy pleasure, happiness, and joy. The key is to be aware and conscious of the sources and impact of each for us.
Take the time to learn about the distinctions between these three. Know what makes you feel good and how it shapes your needs and choices.
You might just find that not only will you enjoy the pleasures of that favorite dessert of yours more deeply, but that you are able to derive pleasure, happiness and joy from it as well.
References:
Verywell Mind - How Freud's Pleasure Principle Works - https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-pleasure-principle-2795472
PositivePsychology.com - What Is Happiness and Why Is It Important? - https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-happiness/
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart - https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/
Don’t forget to share this blog post with a friend and join my mailing list to stay updated!
Ready to discover genuine joy beyond fleeting pleasures? Follow me on Instagram and LinkedIn today for thought-provoking content and practical strategies to find lasting fulfillment. Let's embark on this journey toward true happiness together!