Listening, despite being something we do every day, can be one of the most underestimated and underutilized tools we have at our disposal. Deep listening, which takes the concept of merely hearing sounds to a much more profound level, isn't just about tuning into the words being said. It's about immersing oneself in the whole communication and meaning-making process.

In this blog, we’ll explore the realm of deep listening and uncover the incredible power behind this transformative skill. Deep listening is key to building connections. By the end of reading this, you'll understand 6 key skills you need to completely transform not just your listening but also your relationships and conversations with everyone around you.

1. Listening to Self and Others When We Have Conversations

To understand how deep listening is key to building connections, we have to first embark on a journey of self-awareness. What blocks us from being able to listen to others is an inability to turn off the internal chatter and distractions taking place in our own minds.

Often, this inner self-talk is so loud that when in conversations with others, while we may think we are listening to what others are saying, what we are actually paying attention to is our own interpretation of what others are saying.

Here’s an example: Imagine being part of a heated discussion. As you listen to your counterpart speaking, you are most likely already preparing your counterargument, thinking about how you will poke holes in what they are saying and perhaps even win the conversation. You are making judgements about the intentions, beliefs and values of the other person. All the while, your heartbeat accelerates—a clear indication of stress or anxiety—and you feel yourself getting emotional. As your inner state gets more agitated, you hear less and less of what the other person is actually saying and devote the majority of your attention to all the inner thoughts, defense reactions, and protection patterns that are surfacing. Sound familiar?

While this is completely normal, loyalty to this inner self-talk does little in deepening our connection with others.

Now, if you’re deeply attuned to yourself, you acknowledge this physiological and psychological change happening within yourself, and instead of reacting impulsively, you take a moment to regain your calm before responding. This level of self-awareness not only enhances your communication but also cultivates emotional intelligence. You understand the impact the conversation is having on your ability to listen and find ways to suspend all the inner voices screaming in your own head so that you can actually hear what the other person is saying.

However, if you're not aware of all these additional conversations happening while you are speaking with another person, then those voices are having control over you and what you actually listen to. And that's why self-awareness is such a foundational building block for deep listening. Without it, there might very well not be any listening or connection happening at all.

2. Learning How to Suspend Judgments and Inner Thinking

Deep listening is key to building connections. However, it's totally normal to form judgments and assumptions when we are listening to others that actually (and sometimes unintentionally) create disconect and distance. Our brain is primed for survival, and a key component of this is finding shortcuts to understanding complex situations and determining what they mean for us. But when it comes to deep listening, it's crucial to suspend those judgments, as they often lead to misunderstandings and disconnection.

Consider a coworker who’s always late to meetings. You might jump to judge them as unprofessional or irresponsible. But if we suspend that judgment and listen to understand their situation, we might discover they're dealing with a personal crisis or a demanding project that's causing their tardiness.

This new understanding can lead to empathy, flexibility, and finding a solution that helps both you and them. When we rely on our judgments, however, we are blocked from our natural curiosity to find out more. Suspending judgments is a direct path to increasing curiosity, and curiosity is one of the key ingredients to deep listening.

3. Listening for Emotion, Not Only Content

Often, the richest parts of a conversation lie beneath the surface of spoken words. Since deep listening is key to building connections, we need to learn to recognize and understand emotional undertones if we want to actually do it.

For example, the person who always deflects personal questions with a joke or the friend who consistently brags about their achievements may be conveying feelings of insecurity or a need for validation. Tuning into these emotions can allow us to respond in more supportive and empathetic ways.

Interestingly, research has shown that contrary to popular belief, "reading" facial cues to determine the emotional states of others may not always be a reliable source of information. We often pay too much attention to people's faces (using our eyes) rather than the much more reliable information provided by listening to how people are using their voices. This, however, requires really training our ears to pick up on the subtle differences in people's vocalisations and what they might reveal about their emotions.

4. Listening to Understand, Not to Fix or Find Solutions

Our natural instinct is often to offer advice or try to fix things when someone shares a problem. While well-intentioned, this might not always be what the other person needs. Deep listening is key to building connections. Sometimes, the kind of connection people are looking for is simply to be heard and understood.

Take, for example, your friend who vents about a difficult boss. They may not need advice on how to deal with their boss. Rather, they might just want a safe space to express their frustration. By listening to understand rather than fix, you offer that valuable space.

Practice only asking questions that allow the speaker to further explain and explore their situation, rather than asking questions that are too focused on closing the conversation down or getting to a specific point.

5. Understanding What the Other Person Needs in a Conversation

Each conversation we engage in is unique and requires a different approach. Someone sharing a creative idea might need encouragement and a soundboard to bounce off thoughts. In contrast, a person expressing grief might need silent solidarity. By understanding and respecting these needs, we can listen in a way that’s genuinely helpful and empowering.

If you're not sure what someone needs in a conversation, stop trying to guess. Just ask the other person a question like, "What do you need from me right now in this conversation?" and let the other person indicate how they'd like you to best show up while listening.

6. Recognizing the Power and Pitfalls of Manipulative Listening

Lastly, it's important to acknowledge that listening, like any tool, can be misused. Manipulative listening occurs when one feigns interest or twists information for personal gain. It's a breach of trust and can severely damage relationships.

The types of questions you ask, when you choose to show excitement and interest, and even your facial expressions and head nodding all have the ability to steer what someone talks about in one direction or another. Being aware of this can allow you to be more mindful of the way in which your listening impacts what someone else decides to share.

Deep listening, on the other hand, is grounded in respect and sincerity. Deep listening is key to building connections. So recognizing the difference between manipulative and deep listening is key to maintaining healthy, honest communication.

At its core, deep listening is a form of respect. Perhaps the greatest gift we can give someone else is our full presence and attention. It's so rare these days to get that from someone else, and that's exactly what makes it so special. It's about valuing the other person's perspective, emotions, and needs. It's also about fostering a safe space for authenticity and open dialogue. And while deep listening is a powerful tool, it's also a responsibility, one that brings to life your integrity and kindness.

Final Thoughts

Practicing deep listening can transform our conversations, relationships, and even our understanding of ourselves. It's a skill that definitely takes time and patience to develop, but the benefits are immeasurable.

Whether in our personal lives or professional settings, deep listening enables us to connect with others on a meaningful level, foster a sense of belonging, and create an environment of mutual respect and understanding.

Let's listen not just with our ears but also with our hearts and minds. To not just hear but to truly understand. And in doing so, may we build stronger, more compassionate relationships with all those around us to whom we offer the gift of our deep listening.

References:

Civico, A. (2014, April 21). How Self-Awareness Leads to Effective Communication. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/turning-point/201404/how-self-awareness-leads-effective-communication
 

Kraus, M. (2017, February 12). Voice-Only Communication Enhances Empathic Accuracy. American Psychologist. American Psychological Association. 
https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-amp0000147.pdf

The Complete Leader - Suspending Judgement Is a Key Leadership Skill - https://www.thecompleteleader.org/articles/suspending-judgement-key-leadership-skill

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