Use people's judgments as your daily mirror.
You've probably heard that criticism is a good thing — that it can help you grow and improve. But sometimes, hearing someone say something as simple as, "You did a bad job" or "You're not doing that right," or "You should have done this instead!" can hurt. In fact, it can be downright awful!
But here's the thing: criticism only hurts if we let it. If we learn how to handle our reaction to judgment and criticism from others we'll be able to stay focused on how to actually benefit from it rather than it bringing us down. Use people's judgments as your daily mirror.
In this blog, I'll share ways to deal with criticism and judgment that others throw our way, allowing you to stay positive, focused, and still able to grow.
Responding to Judgment
Before you can use people's judgments as a daily mirror, you first need to understand how judgment works. When someone judges you for something, and their comments don't bother you, it is because of the confidence you have already built for yourself around that topic.
Think about something you are proud of and know you are good at. Or something you have already worked through any issues yourself.
If someone is critical about it, most of the time, it's easy to let the comment just run off of you like water. But when someone judges us and their judgments sting us, it's actually an indication that their judgement is triggering a reaction in us that could benefit from deeper examination from our side.
And in these cases, we have two options for how to react: let the judgment bring us down or face it head-on and use people's judgments as our daily mirror.
1) Let Judgment Bring Us Down
Taking someone else's words to heart, letting them define who we are, bursting out with anger, or feeling bad about ourselves can have harmful effects on our mental and emotional health and even our physical health.
Feeling this way over a prolonged time can cause depression, anxiety, and a lack of motivation. And when we judge ourselves for not being good enough, it's hard to see the good in ourselves or others.
That said, it's quite natural to have a tendency to notice and hold onto negative criticism. In fact, negative emotions are more strongly felt and remembered in greater detail than positive ones, according to American social psychologist Roy Baumeister. They are also a natural part of being human. If used wisely, these emotions can even act as signposts that help us to take healthy action, like setting boundaries, or standing up for ourselves, or speaking up. But when we let the emotions completely consume us, we lose the ability to benefit from them and only suffer in their presence.
Baumeister summarizes academic studies in his research paper titled "Bad Is Stronger Than Good", showing how the brain more likely remembers negative criticism than praise. He says that for every negative event, five positive ones are needed to make up for it.
2) Face It Head-on
When we face judgment head-on, we're able to use it as a tool for learning and growth. We also feel empowered! We understand that our value lies within ourselves and not in what other people think about us, and we can use that understanding to grow as people.
I'm not saying this is easy — in fact, it can often be super hard — but if you learn to approach others' judgment with curiosity about your own reaction to it, you'll find there's so much waiting to be discovered.
So what's a positive way to face it head-on and deal with Negative Criticism?
Use people's judgments as your daily mirror.
Rather than working ourselves up over negative criticism, let's use other people's judgment as a gift. If we can learn to accept and use criticism as an opportunity for growth, we'll be well on our way to becoming more confident, self-loving people who make decisions from a place of integrity rather than fear.
It's a gift to look into the mirror and ask ourselves:
Why do I care so much about this?
What part of me is feeling the same way?
What do I want to do about it?
Through these questions, lean in with curiosity toward your reaction to the criticism. The focus here is less on the criticism itself and more on what it's doing to you.
As mentioned before, if you have no reaction, then the topic is one you've probably already worked through, so it doesn't trigger you. But if you do have a reaction, then it's either because you agree with the criticism (even if you deny it) or you have some unsettled business with it that is still worth exploring.
Then:
- If deep down, you AGREE with the judgment, start by acknowledging you have some work to do on the issue.
- If you DISAGREE with it, then you have some work to do on feeling more secure about the way you are or why you're doing whatever it is that you're doing. Something about this criticism is forcing you to look at an aspect you don't like or haven't worked through yet, so it's time to get cracking!
Either way, progress comes from deciding to use people's judgments as your daily mirror. Does this mean that once you’ve worked through your reaction to it you’ll never get triggered by that criticism or judgement again? No! We are all human after all and it’s completely normal to be triggered, reactive and emotional when other people’s comments leave us feeling unsafe. But while the trigger itself may not entirely disappear, what you do have control over is how long you stay triggered, and what you then decide to do with your reaction. And that is something that working through the above series of reflections can really help with.
Takeaway:
Remember, the only way to truly handle criticism is to be aware of it and know how to make it work for us. The key is not to let the judgment of others get in our way. We can't control what other people think, after all.
When we're criticized, instead of getting defensive, use people's judgments as your daily mirror and ask: "What can I learn from this?" You might be surprised at what you find!
References:
Baumeister, R. F., et al. (2001). Bad is Stronger than Good. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/46608952_Bad_Is_Stronger_than_Good