"You are enough."
Do you believe this? It's a simple phrase tossed around in self-help communities but is actually incredibly hard to truly believe in and live by. And what's more, the opposite of this is often praised in movies, popular culture, and education with the encouragement and celebration of perfectionism: Looks of admiration when a colleague says they had to pull an all-nighter to finish the project; silent nods of approval at the stay-at-home parent who always has the house tidy, dinner ready, and kids in bed while also managing to stay fit, healthy, and social….
Always improving, always striving, always being the best at this and that: it's a seductive narrative that can easily convince us that if we only reach or become XYZ, we will then finally be happy, successful, and satisfied. Unfortunately, not only will being perfect acquire you none of those things, but the path to perfection can even lead you to depression and disastrous failure, all while missing real opportunities for self-improvement along the way.
In this post, I'll break down the manipulative appeal of perfectionism and explain how adopting a growth mindset can help you move beyond. By doing so, you’ll be embracing your true self and a more fulfilling, productive, and balanced life.
The Concept of "You Are Enough"
Let's get one thing straight: believing you are enough is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for self-improvement and growth. It's not an excuse to stop working on yourself, developing your skills, or becoming a better friend, mother, son, or partner. The idea of believing that you are enough is about basic human rights and values: you are worthy of love, respect, kindness, and attention, no matter what.
You are enough—just the way you are—to deserve all of those things. Your status, education, wealth, clothing, skills, and fame do not entitle you to these things; you (and everyone else) have a right to them by the sheer fact that you are human. You are enough. There's nothing more you need to know, do, or have.
As you read this the above paragraph, what do you find yourself thinking? Do you believe it to be true? Or is there some small voice in your head that is saying something to the effect of, "Umm, actually... no, you're not."
We all have these voices. This unhelpful, negative, and sometimes all-out destructive self-talk is what I call saboteurs. And of all the self-talk saboteurs that humans carry around inside their heads, one of the most common villains is the "You are not enough" voice:
You are not good enough.
You are not smart enough.
You are not pretty enough.
You are not successful enough.
You are not funny enough.
You are not athletic enough.
Sounding familiar? I myself am in intimate regular conversations with the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th voices above, among many others.
So many of us tend to struggle with self-doubt, and we each have our way of navigating it and trying to deal with it. Some of our strategies are healthier than others. Obsessions, addictions, distractions... there are so many ways we compensate for not feeling good about ourselves.
Perfectionism is one such strategy, and of the many that are out there, it happens to be a particularly sneaky one because its associated behaviours are often publicly applauded.
So What Is Perfectionism?
There's no better summary that I've seen describing how perfectionism works than this excerpt from Brene Brown's book, "Dare to Lead." In it, she writes:
"Let's start with what perfectionism is not:
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move.
Perfectionism is not the self-protection we think it is. It is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen.
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfection is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: 'I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Prove.' Healthy striving is self-focused: 'How can I improve?' Perfectionism is other-focused: 'What will people think?' Perfectionism is a hustle.
Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, life paralysis, or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people's expectations, and being criticised keeps you outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfold.
Last, perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfectionism is a function of shame." (Brown, 2018)
Ok! If that is not a slap in the face of all the validating voices encouraging your perfectionism, I don't know what is. And if this is the first time you are hearing perfectionism described this way, and it's feeling like a blow to your head, take a deep breath. It's ok. You are not alone.
But brace yourself, because to hammer the final nail into the perfectionism coffin, here's how Brene goes on to define it:
"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: 'If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.'
Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because perfection doesn't exist. It's an unattainable goal. Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying.
Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.
Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgment, and blame, which then leads to even more shame and self-blame: 'It's my fault. I'm feeling this way because I'm not good enough.'" (Brown, 2018)
Below is an infographic that highlights some of the key differences between perfectionism myths and truths, as pointed out by Dr. Christina Hibbert, a clinical psychologist:
So How Is All Of This Landing With You Now?
I know that for me, there's a firework of reactions that go off in my head. The loudest of them is the saboteur voice of perfectionism itself, telling me that this is a load of crap and a justification and rationalisation of anyone's poor performance.
There's also my insecurity saboteur voice telling me that what other people think of me does matter. And there's the armoured ego voice that says I don't have any shame or fears I'm running away from, so hah!
But behind all of those fearful, panicky voices, there's a quieter, more soft-spoken one that also asks to be heard when it questions: 'But what if it's true? What if all my efforts to look, sound and act a certain way have been motivated by a belief that only when I get the approval of others am I actually deserving of being loved and respected?'
And when I listen to this voice, I feel my perfectionism house-of-cards ideology start to crumble. In its absence, rather than emptiness, there is instead a surprisingly powerful feeling of groundedness and calm. The realisation that those external validations are not only fake trophies but even destructive in nature. I notice my attention shifting from being externally focused to internally oriented.
With that shift, there's an awareness that when I drop my objective to be the best in the eyes of others, and rather orient towards being the best I can be, I can both simultaneously believe in "I am enough" while also feeling enormous energy for self-improvement, growth, and achievement. The seeming tension between these two beliefs melts away. I begin to understand that success isn't about measuring up against the expectations and achievements of others; it's about an inner drive to expand my own creativity and resourcefulness and the joy of learning and growing that takes place along the way. And the inner motivation: it actually has the possibility to drive me way further than when I’m '“only” driven to beat others.
This, by the way, links beautifully with Carol Dweck's work on Fixed versus Growth mindsets, which you can read more about in my blog post on that topic.
So that's where letting go of perfectionism and accepting that "I am enough" takes me. And, of course, it's a work in progress as I navigate just believing in it versus actually implementing it into my daily thoughts and behaviours.
What I'm Really Curious About Is: Where Does All This Take You?
As you simmer in your own thoughts about these differing belief systems, I want to end with some concrete actions (practices and tools) you can use to begin strengthening your confidence in "I am enough" and, with that, build your growth mindset.
Don't worry about doing all of these at once (after all, this is not just another task for your perfectionist self to win at). Rather, view these as various options and choose 1, max 2 of these, and then work on them for a while before revisiting the list and adding some additional ones.
1. Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth
Look at the next few challenges you face as opportunities for learning and growth rather than obstacles to avoid or that determine your worthiness. By embracing them, you can develop resilience and a positive attitude towards situations that stretch and grow you, rather than viewing those situations as threatening your image.
2. Cultivate a curious, learning-oriented approach
Cultivating a love of learning and a curious, open-minded attitude can help you develop a growth mindset. This involves making a habit of seeking out new information, trying new things, and asking questions rather than shying away from what you don’t know a lot about because you’re concerned you’ll look stupid or uninformed.
Look for something you know nearly nothing about (at work, in a conversation with a friend, at home) and get used to how it feels to be a total beginner with loads of questions.
3. Embrace failure as a stepping stone, not a setback
A growth mindset approach involves viewing failures as opportunities to grow and learn rather than as negative outcomes that should have been avoided. This helps foster resilience and perseverance and allows you to approach failures with a positive, constructive attitude rather than seeing them as a blemish on your credibility or ability.
So the next time a mistake or failure happens, catch that inner self-critic, pause it, and instead repeat: 'This failure happened for a reason. It's teaching me something important. What is it?'
4. Surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people
Find people who celebrate you for your effort and not just/only your results. This type of support can help you maintain a healthy mindset, even in the face of challenges and setbacks.
The right support can help boost your confidence, motivate you, and provide you with a sense of belonging. Start noticing what kind of praise you get from whom, and keep those people close who focus on your effort and qualities.
5. Focus more on the process and not just the outcome
Focus on the actions you take, the progress you make, and the lessons you learn along your journey rather than just the final result. Doing so allows you to not only enjoy the experience itself, but you may even find that you end up surpassing your originally set goals or objectives.
Take moments out of the journey to appreciate what you are learning and experiencing along the way that is valuable, regardless of whether you reach your planned destination or not.
6. Seek feedback, and use it constructively
Seeking feedback, rather than seeing it as criticism from others, can help you pinpoint areas for growth and improvement. This type of feedback can help you gain a new perspective on your strengths and weaknesses and refine your skills.
When asking for feedback, try these two questions, which will help improve the quality of what you get in return:
1. What am I doing well?
2. When I do this again, what can I do even better?
7. Reframe limiting beliefs and negative self-talk
Reframing negative thoughts and beliefs that hold you back can help you develop a growth mindset. Identify those perfectionist saboteurs and negative self-talk and replace them with more positive and empowering beliefs and affirmations.
Reading through blogs like these and taking the time to journal about what they mean to you—and then share your thoughts with a friend—is a great practice for this kind of self-awareness.
8. Stay open-minded and receptive to new experiences
Try new things, especially if they are outside of your comfort zone, and embrace new experiences with a positive, open-minded attitude. The more you do this, the greater your tolerance will be for the discomfort that always accompanies doing something new.
Make a list of things that are outside your comfort zone, from small ones (saying hi to strangers) to much bigger ones (signing up for a new course or program). Then choose one a week and do it!
Final Thoughts
Ditch perfectionism and embrace yourself by affirming: "I am enough." By adopting a growth mindset and focusing on progress over perfection, your self-development and life will be happier and more fulfilling. So go ahead, start shifting that mindset, and remember, you've got this! Just being you IS enough.
References:
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead https://brenebrown.com/book/dare-to-lead/
Mindset Health - Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset
https://www.mindsethealth.com/matter/growth-vs-fixed-mindset
Dr. Christina Hibbert - Perfect? or Fake?: 8 Myths About Perfectionism & 8 Truths to Cure It https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/perfect-or-fake-8-myths-about-perfectionism-8-truths-to-cure/
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